THEME BIKES. IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK NOWADAYS. You've gotta love 'em or hate 'em, because they're all over the freakin' place. While they have been the staple of TV shows, T-shirt sales, and event atten­dance for a couple of years now, there was once a simpler time. Join us now on a journey into the past, where we'll investigate the evolution of the motorcycle and the creation of the theme bike.

Soon after the dawn of time, man walked the earth, search­ing. What for? That which would make his soul complete, that would add meaning to his exis­tence and allow him to rise above the other animals. Fortunately, man narrowly edged out monkey in inventing the wheel and soon thereafter things started rolling. Combining fire, fuel, and the wheel, man created what was held for a long time to be the zenith of evolu­tion, the motorcycle. Not long after man learned to craft the motorcycle did he decide to dedicate it to those things that he also yearned for — woman. So began the ritual of naming a motorcycle after the other object of his desire. Soon, man learned to harness the ability of fire and was able to contort and re-shape that which had already been made. In the tradition of the elders, man wanted to pay homage to those things that gave him the inspiration to stretch and twist things — namely alcohol and naked women. Eventually, man learned to mass-produce parts, and in order to thwart being mocked for forgetting the fabrication skills of the elders and assembling bikes, man decided to christen these new machines with devilish and fiendish names meant to provoke the same fear and trepidation that he had for attempting to assemble something completely of his own design.

Soon thereafter, man erred even worse and walked further down the path of sin, aided by his sinister mas­tery of the CNC machine. Like fire before it, the CNC machine was neither good nor evil, as its power could be harnessed for either cause. With his tireless and soul-less servant carving metal into his most intricate and some­times idiotic designs, man fell from grace by corrupting the once pure form of expression and gratitude that the tribute bike was by designing the theme bike. Seemingly mocking the old masters with the exquisitely formed pieces from his army of automatons, the CNC masters distorted reality by making motorcycles appear as if they were formed from common objects that had nothing to do with the free­dom of the road or the roar of a per­fectly tuned engine.

Ignoring the peacefulness brought to the world with the invention of the wheel, these corrupt sentinels stood motionless, never riding through the night, never to be sat on, only being gawked at by crowds of heretics and heathens. The masses worshiped these false idols, easily impressed by the powers they assumed the CNC masters possessed. Meanwhile, the old masters kept toiling away, keeping the fire of creativity and integrity burning, knowing that no machine could ever be considered worthy of adoration until it had passed the initiation of the ride; that there were some grem­lins that could only be exor­cised by the power of the open road. Hiding on the outskirts of the media cir­cus, they regrouped and passed their teachings onto those who were eager to learn the old ways so that one day they could nourish the spirit of the devoted with machines that were as reliable and righteous as a crusader's sword.

We received word that such a group had gathered in Texas , when we received a communique from the underground about a bike that had been built in the tradition of the old masters, an old-school chopper that defied the CMC monster. This theme bike defiantly thumbed its nose at the excesses of today and stuck to the traditions of the past. Respectfully honoring the customs of the elders, Johnny Gil built a bike that paid tribute to his favorite beer and was appropriately named Bettie.